Speak Friend and Enter
These past weeks have been a lot. As I wrote about last week, one thing that has gotten me through whatever this is, has been what you are seeing right now: writing down my thoughts as a way of getting my mental cupboard tidied up, in order to be able to move forward while utilising the hopefully-organised-but-not-pedantically-so tools I store in said cupboard, that I can now actually find. It's working thus far, but while a few weeks back I had mentioned my journalistic approach to journaling, I think it's important to discuss the conversations that are at the heart of this endeavour.
It seems that when you are in the midst of something pivotal and troubling, people come quickly out of the woodwork to express support, offer an ear to fill with one's woes, and do their best at sorting through their own cupboard to find the advice they've learned that they wished they'd had when they found themselves in situations like you are in. Being in this moment right now has generated some of the most fascinating, deep, introspective, raw, vulnerable conversations I've had in years, and it's become clear to me how much these discussions have shaped my path going forward.
I've always had a very independent streak: no one could ever tell me how to do anything, yet ironically, if you asked me to do something stupid (as a challenge, to ensure 100% adherence), then I would. It was a very middle-finger-up-to-the-man outlook on life that carried on well into right now, albeit tempered somewhat (I still do stupid things to prove I can). But, as this year has forced me to revisit my sense of self in a way that I'm often needing to relearn a lot of who I want to be, I've found that perhaps I was far more willing to be receptive to others' ideas and advice than I realised, and this trait is coming much more to the fore. There is something deeply comforting about hearing someone's travails and their ability to impart a piece of hard-earned wisdom, such that, almost out of deference and respect for their labour, I want to put this learning into action in my own life, and currently I am finding a fair amount of success in doing so.
Speaking to a colleague of mine who has been through an incredibly hard time recently with the loss of a family member, and with whom I've been thankful enough to spend some very crucial time with to discuss this momentous event in their life, as well as other events; there was one moment they shared that stood out to me; one that really resonated, as if we'd both discovered this thing together. They mentioned that their partner had, some years ago, confronted them on behaviour that was hurting their relationship, yet had been unknown to my friend at the time, despite the fact they were the one perpetrating it.
As they told me of this confrontation and their lightbulb moment of "wow, I'm badly at fault here and I didn't even see this", there were so many instances racing through my mind of what I've uncovered recently that related so acutely to this story. Maybe it's the similar age bracket we occupy, but we both noted that we are all in times of our lives that run together and will have frequent overlaps: overlaps we can share with each other that can normalise these discoveries and help us incorporate these learnings into ourselves, without worrying about the shame of not having seen this sooner, or feeling behind the curve (something that, emotionally, I have started to notice more in myself lately, yet at the same time, am beginning to feel more equipped to deal with).
The willingness to share such vulnerability (especially while sober) is something I am wishing I'd explored so long ago. People want to talk about hard things. It's not about giving advice or trying to be a mentor to anyone, it's just the back and forth that inherently creates an avenue for the listener to explore for their own path, with the candlelight provided by the speaker. And then it reverses. There's been so many deep conversations I've had these past weeks, and I've done my best to document, for myself, the ones that were revelatory for me and important for them. As I've said before, as a friend, a colleague, partner, it has become clear to me that you have a type of duty to onboard and cherish what you can about what they tell you. I wish I had done better at this in the past and it's a big part of why I am in the situation I am in now, so much so that it feels hypocritical to even write these things down in a way that can be construed as my pontification on a topic I have only scratched the surface on. 1
Regardless, growth is growth for a reason: mistakes are always made and conversing about them with people I care about at least has helped me look to the future with an eye to not making them again, and to be able to onboard the other person's purported mistakes and learn from them has been one of the most cherished factors of the last few weeks. To everyone who was willing to talk to me these last few weeks: thank you so much, you've done more than you could ever know.
If you're reading this, I am sorry I always struggled to say what's on my mind, and to ask what was on yours.↩